Mental Health Check

I recently had a mental breakdown. I’ve got a lot going on with my peeps and life and it all came out in a brain fog moment that was just the last straw!

⚠️ WARNING ⚠️ …it’s about to get real up in hur!

I am kind of ashamed to say this because I’ve always been a strong person so admitting weakness is hard, but it’s important to let you know the truth…I was so broken that I actually googled “how to tie a noose”. DO NOT GOOGLE THAT! If you’re feeling like you want to, talk to me or someone you trust. Suicide is NOT the answer!

I caught myself about halfway through a video (DON’T YOU DARE WATCH ONE OR I’LL KICK YOUR BUTT) and I was scared so I told one of my most trusted peeps. 

Per the advice of my peep, I contacted my neuro who referred me to a psychologist who specializes in MS psychology. It was definitely the right move and I’m glad I did!

Now, I have only been to see the new doc once and I know I’m not out of the woods yet, but I feel better knowing that I’m on the path to get out.

I’ll be starting a group therapy session next week. I’ve been journaling, which is just me writing my prayers out (it’s really helpful to put it on paper so I can actually SEE what I’m thinking). And I’m getting back into my Bible reading. I was over two weeks behind and now I’m down to only a few days behind in my plan. Reading God’s word really helps ground me and I think my depression caused me to slack off which in turn made me more depressed and it snowballed.

If you are feeling depressed, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Depression is about five times more common in MS patients than other neurological diseases and affects about half of the MS population. Demyelination disrupts the transmission of neurotransmitters like serotonin which is responsible for putting us in a happy mood (it also blocks pain which is why pain is often a symptom of depression).

I felt like I needed to share this because I felt alone and ashamed before I saw the doc (heretofore referred to as “the shrink”). I learned that I’m not alone, it’s not my fault and, yes, it’s all in my head (literally). If you are at all feeling the way I was, please reach out to someone. If you think “no one cares”, you’re wrong! I care! I’m in the same place. I want to help in any way I can!

Call 1-877-598-3326 to speak to a mental health professional 24/7 and they can help you find the right person to help you! It’s totally free and talking to a professional can really help!

#MSFact, Coolest #MSTatt & My worst #MSSymptom

I’m really laying down on the job here. I know you all understand better than anyone but I want to do better for you guys.

Anyway, let’s pick up where we left off.

 

Itching is a not so well known symptom of MS.

It’s unlike anything you’ve ever dealt with before. This itching cannot be quelled by any amount of scratching or creams and all Benadryl does is put you to sleep. It does nothing for the itching itself.

I’ve actually scratched my ankles until they’ve bled and I’m pretty sure people have at times thought I have lice or something the way I dig at my head. Alas, it’s “just” MS. Lol.

This is not my tattoo…yet. I’m waiting until my 10th birthday to get one (my 10th MS birthday). So not this coming September but next year.

I’m going to get it smaller and on my hip.

It may not seem like the coolest tattoo to anyone else, but the word “believe” has strong ties to one of my closest peeps who is no longer with us. It also reminds me of my faith and a belief that God works all things for good (Romans 8:28). The MS ribbon being the “l” symbolizes the fact that like this tattoo, MS is always with me. Putting it on my butt or hip symbolizes that MS is a pain in the butt, only this time I’m in control of the pain.

I’ve put a lot of thought into this. I’ve been thinking about it for years now. And there is no better way to “celebrate” 10 years of fighting…at least that’s the way I’m going to “celebrate”.

You’re seeing this first! I’m not going to forget you again…at least not today.

My worst MS symptom is…well there are a lot that are bad but the worst for me is fatigue.

As with any MS symptom, some days are worse than others.

Fatigue is lack of energy no matter how much sleep you get. Couple that with insomnia and you have a magnificent cocktail of anti-adulting serum! HA! Too tired to do anything but sleep but no matter how hard you try, you can’t sleep.

This is where I’ve been the past few weeks.

No wonder I keep forgetting things! Lol.

 

Sound off: What is the coolest MS tatt you’ve seen? I’d love to see pics! And what is your worst MS symptom?

#MSDrugs

Now, there are a bajillion (my very own made up number) different drugs that are used to treat the symptoms that come with MS. And I take a lot of them.

There are fewer disease modifying drugs (DMDs) and these are what I would call “MS drugs” since they are specific to MS.

i have taken quite a few of these over my almost decade of fighting the MonSter. I started with Avonex. Then moved to Gilenya because Avonex made me sick. Then went to Copaxone because I didn’t feel like Gilenya was doing anything. Then moved to Tysabri to because I couldn’t deal with the every day shots (I always forgot them). Now I’m on Tecfidera because it affords me the most freedom. I’m not required to go in every month for an infusion OR make sure I have an ice pack for my drugs AND I feel like this drug is really helping.

These are the many drugs I take on a daily basis. Twice a day. Every day. It used to be 4 times but I got tired of taking all those drugs.

What drugs do you take?

#MSProblems and #MSHug

So, y’all need to follow me on Instagram and Twitter. I posted yesterday’s pic on there and forgot to post on here. Today you get a twofer!

 

Yesterday’s post was #MSProblems and I did a throwback to one of last year’s posts. I think that one of the biggest problems in MS is that while you mature mentally and physically, your skill set decreases.

For example, as you grow up, you first learn to crawl, then walk, then run. With MS, you first lose the ability to run, then walk, then crawl. Another example, you first scribble, then color inside the lines, then write. With MS, you lose motor skills for writing, then coloring inside the lines, then scribbling until you can’t hold even a big fat pen/marker/pencil/crayon.

This problem is over arching and covers most all areas of life.

Today is #MSHug day.

Most MSers have experienced the dreaded MS hug. Even if you say you haven’t, you probably have and are like me and don’t realize that’s what that pain around your rib cage is called.

Still don’t know what I’m talking about? An MS hug is NOT a warm embrace from a close friend or family member. No, an MS hug is when the devil himself is trying to squeeze the life out of you. It feels like he’s got a string or belt wrapped around you right at the bra line and is just tightening it. In my head, he’s sitting in this recliner surrounded by flames (he’s the devil so he lives in hell), cinching this magic invisible belt around me and the more pain I’m in, the tighter he cinches and laughs. I have an overactive imagination, but if I were to make a cartoon to explain it, that’s what it would be.

Time to sound off… What are your biggest #MSProblems? How would you describe a #MSHug?

 

#MSFunny

MS sucks and idk if it’s better or worse than cancer…I can see validity to both sides of that argument.

That, however, is not the point. This is just funny. The baby just makes it better. I mean, his face! 😂

Anyway, one way in which MS and cancer are similar is they are both dreadful, awful diseases I wish never existed and those afflicted with them need something to laugh about. So go on and laugh! It’s good for you!

#MSFamily

This is a really really really small sample of some of my MS family on Instagram.

As you can see, my family consists of men, women, young, older, black, white, gay, straight, liberal, conservative, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Atheists and everyone in between. MS doesn’t discriminate those it attacks, therefore, I won’t discriminate those to whom I show love!

i love each and every one of my MS family. Thank you all for making this journey better!

 

MS has taken ___

MS has taken a few things but here are 4:

1) my ability to walk up and down the steps without holding the handrail – I can still do a flight or two going foot over foot but I have to hold on to the railing at least with one hand.

2) my ability to walk a straight line – yeah….I’m not passing any field sobriety tests, just give me a breathalyzer. “I swear to drunk ossifer I’m not God!” 😂

3) my ability to jump – I didn’t even realize it until I tried to jump in the pool a few summers ago. Once I’m in the pool, I can do it but on land, it’s a no go.

4) my ability to run – I was never a runner. In fact, I pretty much dislike all forms of exercise, but running was always the worst (I hated “running” the mile in gym class…more like walking). Now, I can’t run even if I try. Strangely enough, I actually wish I could….I would like to jog or run around the block. Instead I can barely walk down the street.

PS – sorry I’m late on this one. I remembered Instagram and Twitter this morning. I just forgot this part. Blaming it on my MS brain 😜

 

MS has given me ___

MS has given me empathy. I am now able to metaphorically put myself in another’s shoes where it wasn’t so easy for me before. I’m glad to be more understanding now. If people were more understanding about what others are dealing with, the world would be a much better place. What has MS given you?

 

#MSSucks

As MSers, we all know what this feels like. People with MS forget words or lose their train of thought in the middle of a…what was I saying? Oh yeah, #MSSucks

 

#MSLife

I’m sorry this is so late, but I spent the morning in an MRI machine and totally forgot about the challenge for the rest of the day.

The MRI was/is part of a study they’re conducting to test the validity of MRIs as diagnostic tools. Basically, they paid me to nap so they could see how well lesions show up without contrast. Plus I have officially been told that I do, indeed, have a brain! Ha!